Hey guys if you all remember last time I shared my views on Divorce, which still is a social stigma or a taboo in our society. But divorces do happen and more than often children are involved. One of the parents, mostly the mother gets the custody and we say He or She is from a broken family. Now what is a BROKEN FAMILY? Is it a family where the emotional bodings have been broken? Or is it a family where faith has been shattered into pieces? Or is it a family where Mom and Dad do not stay together? Or is it a family where the emotional quotients among the members have been deeply shaken? In reality nobody can define a “BROKEN FAMILY”, so firstly let us not, as matured individuals alienate kids of divorced parents as A CHILD OR CHILDREN FROM A BROKEN FAMILY,IT HURTS THEM.
Now coming back to the main topic with which I started today. Is co- parenting easy with your ex spouse? I would say it is situational and based on certain factors, people who have faced these kinds of situations will surely relate to what I am trying to say here, friends we shall take up and analyze few situations, as per my limited caliber.
Two people who used to be husband and wife are divorced, the reasons being they were in a toxic relationship and parted their ways not on good terms. They are parents too. So the marital bond is null and void here but the bond of parenting will exist forever, the child or the children belong to both of them. This relationship nobody can deny to, no court of law can take away this seal of parenthood. But, if your child or children have witnessed series of obnoxious fights, name callings, scenes of physical violence, which can be either way, will usually feel in secured to meet the violent parent who has subjected them to witness such atrocity, and it is only natural for them. The fear factor which dominates their brain and mind will take a lot of time to ease out and they will naturally not want to meet the violent parent, even if HE/SHE comes for a regular visit or a proposition is made to send them to visit HIM/HER.In this case DONOT FORCE THE CHILDREN EVEN IF YOU HAVE LEGAL ORDERS. Give them time, as the adage says Time is the Best Healer, please give them that time. As you are healing from a torrid past so is your child/children. You spend quality time with them, reassuring them you are there to protect them whatever happens, build up a confidence in them so that they don’t consider you as the victim anymore and become aware of the fact that you are ready to take on the world for them and their betterment.
If you are able to build up THIS CONFIDENCE, we can expect with time they will agree to meet the other parent, initially they would demand your company in those meetings ,but when you exhibit that show of confidence in front of their eyes, a day will come when they will agree to meet the other parent alone. The mindset here is when they saw you battered and bruised they lost confidence on you as a parent but when they see you standing firm, oozing out confidence in front of that same person they will immediately know you are standing behind them strong and steady like a wall.
The emotionally injured relationship, even if not 100%, will overcome the hiccups of the past.
When a couple divorce mutually because of incompatibility or they have simply fallen out of love, the children need to be explained why mom and dad cannot stay together. They have to be treated like equals because along with your lives their lives will also be going through a massive change, which they need to be told (infants are not spoken about here).If they are made a part of the mutual decision of separation, they will respect your choice and will accept it. Yes they have to be reassured with promises of frequent meetings and the most important commitment which has to be made to them will be Mom and Dad might not stay together but will love you to death, to the moon and back just like before. Love towards them will not change whether they live under the same roof or not.
Dad will still take them out for drives, for icecream, will still pamper them, play cricket every Sunday, will buy them the play station as promised, will attend every Parent Teacher Meeting at school, will teach them, and will help them in the science projects, will stop Mom from scolding them, will smuggle in their favorite chocolates, will celebrate their birthdays in the same way as every year, in a nutshell DAD WILL STILL BE DAD .
Children, since birth are more confident on mothers, call it a biological miracle. Like I can share my example here, my 8 year old daughter is used to the fact that daddy goes for tours for days but she will bring the sky down if I leave for a day for some reason. Their emotional attachment with Moms are designed in that way, they know, whatever happens, how many chances we give this lady to throw us out of her life, she wont. She is a mother. A new born immediately recognizes the mother but the father has to be introduced, that’s the basic difference .So mothers just have to convince the children here that the step which they are taking is going to be beneficial for all of them, she will always be their Mom, will always take care of them, make their favorite pasta, will throw house parties for their friends, will take them out on weekends and will invite Dad to join them, if he can accommodate, will never leave them alone, bed time stories will always be the regular ritual, cuddling hugging them will make her day shine brighter like every other normal day. Assurance of love and companionship and being with them in their every crisis from both the parents here will make co-parenting easier for the ex couple or who are on the verge of becoming ex. A very famous Bollywood ex couple are setting goals in this area and they can be followed as an example. Also being civil and cordial with each other is of paramount importance. Children are very sensitive and we often underestimate their level of perception and intelligence, so if they get a whip of a slight discord or lack of respect for each other between the ex couple, they will withdraw themselves to a shell and the confidence you have build in them will totally collapse.
We will have to stop here today, stay tuned for the next part…..Have a great Day guys.
An archer by heart and a writer by passion. Have had a decade long career in Human Resources with reputed organizations like Simplex Infrastructures Ltd, GPT Infrastructures Ltd and Emami Realty Ltd, but the role I enjoy the most is that of a mother to my 9 year old daughter.Reading enriches me, travelling rejuvenates me.
Educational Qualufication -MBA (HR) and M.COM (Banking and Insurance). You can ask any question to the author on this mail: [email protected]