They say Marriages are made in Heaven – I say no. They are very much made in the mother Earth and have to be constantly worked upon to make it go smoothly.
I believe nobody in this world want to get married to suffer the pain, the stigma and the legal circus of a divorce. People look at you as if Stephen Spielberg has just approached you for a role in ET – We become socially outcast.
Well marriages can be saved, Marriage counselors are there, unsolicited advise of relatives are there, sometimes children play a major role like parents don’t want their children to grow up with a single parent oscillating between the two.
But there are occasions where Divorce is the ONLY AND TRUST ME ONLY SOLUTION.
I shall try to discuss each situation (as per my limited capacity) separately. In a toxic relationship where arguments and fights lead to physical violence, you not only get physically hurt but you also have an injured and battered soul. It becomes worse when your children witness that and it is not always a MAN ABUSING A WOMAN – HELLO THE OPPOSITE ALSO HAPPENS. Your children become so insecure when they have to see one of their bruised parents AND these children, if allowed to witness such situations in life only too often, might turn into a sociopath. THEN DIVORCE IS THE ONLY SOLUTION because your marriage does not exist anymore, it has become disrespectful and yourself respect is standing on the verge of a complete breakdown. Don’t torture yourself, just come out of it. Put your blinkers on and take your own decision in your and your children’s favour. To hell with society and Log Kya Kahenge!!!
A time comes in every marriage I believe where you think that Romance is gone straight out of the window. But that depends on what is your idea of romance. Having morning tea together reading newspaper in compatible silence is romance or when you are out to get dolled up before going to a party and can’t decide what saree to wear he suggests one and You instantly know he loves to see you in that attire and friends, that is also romance. Now let’s be practical – the romance as portrayed in our Bollywood movies is only for that 70 mm screen of that multiplex and life we face every day is real. There are no retakes in our lives.
But sometimes there are situations where you just fall out of love- it could have been an arranged marriage or a love marriage but that LOVE, THAT FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER, THAT EMPATHY, THAT URGE TO BE IN EACH OTHER’S COMPANY has somewhere dissolved into thin air- you are just tolerating each other, co-existing because of family – You hardly speak to each other because you have just stopped caring. You feel irritated at your spouse’s presence and what worse is You don’t even fight, here I would like to point out Fighting, obviously in a civil way, arguing are the signs of a healthy marriage. You fight because you are hurt and only the person who loves you or whom you love can hurt you – do we fight or argue with strangers? We don’t – we ignore.
But in a marriage when you ignore each other like strangers, it’s bad news. Talk to each other, there can be thousands of reasons to fall out of love or there can be zero reason – but the fact has happened. You don’t love each other anymore and that should be the reason enough to separate in a civil way, at least then you can maintain a cordial relationship with each other while co-parenting – don’t bring in bitterness where you cringe when you hear the other person’s name, let alone meet him/ her.
COMPATABILITY – the word itself gives me jitters. Now in the institution of marriage two individuals from two different backgrounds, culture and environment start a life together. Now the clash has to happen – even if Romeo and Juliet got married there would have been issues of compatibility – so it’s given. What we do? We adjust – sometimes She adjusts sometimes He adjusts. Adjustment is a chief ingredient in a good marriage, but when Adjustment becomes Compromise, put your foot down, because at the end of the day you have to face your own self…your inner voice will keep on echoing into your ears that COMPROMISING IS JUST NOT HAPPENING. He likes to eat spicy food and you like yours less spicy, you reach a middle path, that’s adjustment. But just because he likes his food spicy every single day you too are forced to gorge on those lal mirch and oily food eventually falling sick is a compromise. He wants that promotion in his career and you always try not to disturb him whenever he is at office with phone calls or asking him to teach the kids or take some more domestic responsibilities is Adjustment – you respect his dreams, you too want the very best for him and want to be a part of his vision. But He wants you to flirt with his boss in an office party for that coveted promotion or wants you to impress his boss by meeting him over a cup of coffee? Compromise with a capital C.
Mostly well mostly mother in laws and daughter in laws have a sweet n sour relationship. Your wife wants you to defend her when she has been wronged or wants you to protest when she is humiliated or misbehaved with is an Adjustment every Man should do -but your wife asking you not to see the faces if your ailing parents, let alone talk to them, cut off completely with your siblings or cousins and just revolve around her is COMPROMISE.
So just walk off and bid adieu to the marriage. Compromising kills your dignity and a person without a dignity is not a person alive – just a robot.
Your husband comes home reeking of alcohol and a woman’ perfume – you certainly do get the picture. Please don’t cheat yourself and listen to his tales of a one night stand mistake and his umpteen numbers of apologies because if it has happened once, it will happen in the future too, so you show him the door.
Extra-Marital Affairs leave such a deep scar on your marriage that no plastic surgeon can make it unblemished like it was before. The mutual respect and most importantly FAITH IS LOST and without FAITH, A marriage is like a ship without radar.
You are qualified but your husband doesn’t want you to work out of some twisted mind game that you may become more successful than him – well it might just happen. Will it be a justice to your parents who have brought you up so well, gave you the best of education and to yourself when all those years you have dreamt of a plush career of your own? No please don’t do that injustice – you can talk it out with your spouse, if it works well, if No then……
I have to conclude DIVORCE IS NOT A STIGMA ANY MORE for both Men and Women and you are not the VICTIMS any more. Don’t accept sympathy, demand respect and dignity. You have tried but failed and it happens. Love yourself all the more, your impaired and battered soul needs all the love and care from none other than You, so love yourself, value yourself, enjoy the freedom of breaking out of the undue societal pressure and shackles of a decayed relationship, pamper yourself, gift yourself that much needed vacation – if you have children it’s better to come out fast because a happy parent can only raise happy children as opposed to two warring and miserably disgruntled parents. Who knows you might be 2nd time lucky and a second chance is just about to knock your door. So please guys don’t close any door of your life – let the Sunshine enter and let it be organic. Time heals all pain, this too shall pass.
An archer by heart and a writer by passion. Have had a decade long career in Human Resources with reputed organizations like Simplex Infrastructures Ltd, GPT Infrastructures Ltd and Emami Realty Ltd, but the role I enjoy the most is that of a mother to my 9 year old daughter.Reading enriches me, travelling rejuvenates me.
Educational Qualufication -MBA (HR) and M.COM (Banking and Insurance). You can ask any question to the author on this mail: [email protected]